


Everything Hurts

by cylawings



Category: Free!
Genre: I promise, I swear there isnt just sadness, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, depressed haru, happiness, lotsa worry and panic for haru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:45:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4972153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cylawings/pseuds/cylawings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Haru goes into a very bad, very deep depression, everyone becomes worried. Rin starts skipping meetings with his own club just to go make sure Haru is alright.<br/>Makato remains the only one that knows Haru has been hurting himself(or trying to) but it seems Rin is the one who is helping him the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Haru sat in his bathtub, like usual. He had his swimming suit on, daydreaming about swimming in an actual pool. He stared at the cieling, pretending he was looking at the sky. He guessed he could always just go and actually swim, it was a good season for it.  
  He narrower his eyes at the cieling, "too much effort," he murmured. He drew a hand up from the water, watching it drip from his fingers. After about a minute of this he frowned, placing his hand in the water again, rubbing his wrist with the other hand.  
  He'd hoped the marks would go away by now. But of course he'd only made them two days ago. He lifted his hand again, examining the fading cuta on his wrist. He wasn't sure what he'd been thinking, of course Makato had noticed immediately..  
  He could remember his face clearly when he first saw them..

  "Haru.." Those green eyes widened in worry, "What happened to your wrist..?"  
  Haru had stiffened, trying to focus on making breakfast for himself. He quickly shrugged though, mumbling, "I made a cat mad." He jumped when Makato grabbed him, turning him around. He grabbed Harus wrist, holding it up in front of him.  
  "Haru." He said sternly, giving him that stupid 'knowing' look.

 Haru sighed, his arm falling back in the water as he heard his door open downstairs. 'speak of the devil' he thought dully. He slid further down into his tub, 'go away, I want you to go away' he thought.  
  The door was opened and before he knew it the brunette was looming over him. "wrists."  
  Haru obediently lifted his arms for him to check. Ever since Makato had found out he checked every day. After he'd made sure Haru was cut-free, he helped him stand. "Don't give me that sour look, I'm looking out for you."  
  "hm." was Harus only response as he grabbed a towel, throwing it over his head so he could pretend his friend wasn't there. He dried off his hair then went to dry off the rest of himself, Makato waiting patiently for him by the door.  
  He slipped past him, going downstairs. He heard him follow but neither of them said anything. It wasn't until Haru was actually getting dressed that Makato spoke. "Everyone is worried for you."  
  Haru looked up quickly. Did he tell them that..?  
  Makato shook his head, "I never told anyone about it Haru. But they're not stupid, they noticed you were acting different." He sighed, "Rin's especially worried.. he came to the pool yesterday. Cancelled his own meeting with his team too. He was upset when you weren't there."  
  Haru stopped, staring at the ground. "He shouldnt... I'm fine."  
  Makato frowned, but didn't say anything. "Come on, we don't want to be late."  
  Haru nodded, getting up to follow him.  
\---------  
  Haru knew he should have expected it to happen. Makato forced him to come to the pool instead of skipping and going home again. He was nearly ran over by Nagisa and Rei, "HARU-CHAN!!!!" Nagisa screaming his name was his only warning before they both almost knocked him over.  
  "Haruka-senpai, we were so worried!" Rei said, adjusting his glasses.  
  Nagisa nodded quickly, "Yeah! You didn't come to the pool for so long we thought something bad happened!"  
  Haru felt a small pain in his chest. These two cared too much. "I'm fine, I was just busy."  
  "your never too busy to swim!" Nagisa huffed.  
  "There was a lot of homework," Haru said as an excuse. 'no I was hurting myself and didn't want you to see the cuts either' he thought bitterly, still terrified they'd see the fading marks when he changed into his swimsuit.  
  He turned on his heel to go change but was stopped again as he was nearly tackled again, "HARU," He felt himself yanked forward by his coat, a very angry face inches from his. "WHAT THE HELL,"  
  "Calm down Rin," He said.  
  "NO!" Rin snarled at him, "Where the hell have you been?" He hissed under his breathe.  
  "I've just been busy Ri-"  
  "THATS. BULLSHIT." Rin screamed at him. "I know you better than that, THEY know you better than that!! What the hell happened?!"  
  Makato grabbed Rin's shoulder, tugging him back from Haru. "Rin. Give him space, he was dealing with other things."  
  Rin turned and stared at Makato and they just seemed to share a silent message. Haru didn't want to deal with Rin making any assumptions, quickly walking past into the locker room.  
  He wanted everyone to go away, he wanted them to stop worrying. He sat on a bench, leaning back against the wall. He took a deep breathe, closing his eyes.  
\-----------  
  He wasn't sure when he fell asleep.. But he wasn't surprised he'd passed out, he hadn't been sleeping well. He had ended up laying on the bench when he was woken, Rin standing over him. "hey."  
  Haru didn't sit up, looking down. "How long..?"  
  "I told Makato I'd wake you up, everyone else is getting ready to go home." Rin murmured. He seemed much more calm now, not even the slightest sign of the fuming monster he was earlier  
  Haru sat up, not able to look at him so instead he stared at the floor. "You should be taking care of your team."  
  "I put someone else in charge it's fine." Rin kneeled down so he could look Haru in the face. "Haru... I'm sorry for earlier."  
  "It's fine."  
  He shook his head, "It's not. I had no right to yell at you I'm sorry."  
  Haru got up, "I'm going home."  
  "I'll walk you," Rin said, following him.  
  "You don't need to."  
  "I want to."  
  Haru glanced back at him. He didn't say anything but he couldn't just tell Rin no. Not with the way he seemed so determined to.  
  As they were walking they didn't talk much until they actually started getting close to his home. "Makato didn't tell me anything. Are you sure your okay?"  
  Haru didn't respond for a long time. "I don't know."  
  Rin glanced at him, but didn't pressure him. "So. You haven't actually swam in awhile."  
  "Yeah." Haru murmured.  
  They were silent again until they reached Harus home. Haru stopped at the door, "thank you Rin."  
  Rin gave a weak smile, "of course.. If you need me just call me or something okay?"  
  "I don't have your number." Haru looked at him.  
  "Oh," Rin chuckled, pulling out his phone to check his number, before asking "you have any paper?"  
  "oh, um yeah." Haru slipped inside, grabbing a pen and a pad of sticky notes. He wrote down Rin's number and slipped the pad into his pocket.  
  "Feel free to call me or text me whenever you need it," Rin smiled.  
  Haru nodded and waved bye to Rin as he left. Haru watched him walk away until he couldn't see him anymore. He then turned and went inside, locking the door behind him. He laid on the couch, staring at the number for a long time before he actually put it in his phone. Then he just stared at it some more.  
  He didn't feel good. And everyone worrying about him just made his chest hurt. Rin trying to be nice hurt, Makato trying to take care of him hurt, everything hurt.  
  'what are you going to be'  
  'you should plan for after you graduate'  
  'what will you do after you graduate'  
  Haru let the hand holding his phone fall. "I don't know, please stop asking.." He whispered, staring off into nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been about a week, the cuts had disappeared and Makato stopped checking every day. Haru wouldn't dare try it again because he didn't want Makato to do that again. He'd lay in the bath and stare at his razor quite often though. Sometimes he wondered what Makato would do if he came to see him one morning and he was..  
  Haru shook his head, putting the razor down. He turned to grab his phone, which was dangerously sitting on the edge of the tub. He saw Rin had messaged him again.  
  'Saw this and it reminded me of you'  
  Haru smiled softly at the picture he'd sent. It was a lake, though from where Haru didn't know. It looked clean and beautiful, surrounded by trees and flowers. It looked like somewhere he'd want to swim.  
  'It's pretty' He texted in response.  
  Rin responded with another picture, a selfie with the lake behind him. 'wanna swim here some time? The waters clean I promise'  
  Haru was surprised, he didn't know there was any place like that anywhere near here. 'Yes. I'd like that.'  
  'Sweet! Maybe tomorrow?'  
  They didn't have school the next day, so of course tomorrow was great. 'Yeah. That would be good. Where is it?'  
  'We'd have to hike a bit, it's not exactly close. But it's not too far.'  
  'Alright. I'll see you tomorrow morning?'  
  'Definetly.'  
  Haru smiled. It'd be nice to be greeted by someone other than Makato or his houses silence in the morning. He was sitting on his bed when his phone went off again. He checked to see what Rin had said.  
  'It's late, you better be sleeping. I don't want to have to carry you tomorrow.'  
  Haru rolled his eyes. He took a picture of himself sticking out his tongue at Rin then sent it. Rin responded the same way before saying 'okay stupid, go to bed'  
  Haru found it a bit easier to sleep that night.  
\--------------  
  The next day, Haru woke to the darkness of the morning. He rubbed his face, glancing at the time. He'd slept more than usual, that was good. He got up, slipping downstairs to make breakfast. He stared at the food he had but really didn't feel like eating anything. Rin didn't need to know he didn't eat.  
  He jumped when his door was knocked on, going to open it. He was met with Rin. "Your early."  
  "What? I can't show up early to spend some time with you?" He chuckled, glancing at what Haru was wearing, "I guess you just woke up though, huh?"  
  "Whatever. come in, I was making breakfast."   
  'well I'm making it now your here'.  
  Rin sat at the table, watching Haru rummage around the kitchen. "I already ate." He said, resting his chin in his hand.  
  "Hm." Haru was trying to ignore him. He had planned on taking a long shower or maybe a bath before Rin showed up. "I was going to take a shower."   
  "Oh, I don't mind go ahead." Rin shrugged. "Don't take too long."  
  Haru stared at him, but then turned and went upstairs. Rin raised a brow, judging he thought Haru was going to eat. He sighed, reminding himself Haru was still acting weird and probably was dealing with personal stuff. He wouldn't pressure him.  
  Haru turned on the shower quickly, not caring how hot or cold it was. He hadn't cared for quite some time. He didn't really notice. He took a deep breathe, running his hands through his hair.  
  He'd been looking forward to today.  
  He was supposed to feel good right now.  
  Then why did he feel so awful...?  
  Haru turned, turning the shower knob to make the water as hot as it could go, enough to burn his skin. He needed to calm down, Rin wanted him to be happy. Rin was doing this to make him feel better. right? That's what he was doing?  
  Haru swallowed against the lump in his throat, rubbing his face. He needed to stop this, he didn't have any reason to feel as awful as he did. He needed to calm down. He turned, looking at his razor. He wasn't supposed to, Rin would see when they went to swim.  
  Unless...


	3. Chapter 3

When Haru finally came down the stairs, Rin grinned, "Hey, about time! I almost thought you died in there!"   
  Haru grimaced at the choice of words, but didn't comment. "Let's go," was all he said.  
  Rin rolled his eyes, "Always in a hurry," He picked up the bags he'd brought, throwing one to Haru. "That's yours. We're gonna take a bus out there but once we're there it's time to start hiking."  
  "Alright." Haru said.  
  The bus ride was long and quiet, giving Haru plenty of time to let his mind fall into that dark place he seemed to be unable to dig it out of. He thought of his friends.. They would worry sure, and grieve if he disappeared. But they'd be able to get over him easily. He knew it. If anything Makato would suffer for awhile longer but he'd also end up fine. They'd forget him and move on. He glanced to Rin, who was sitting next to him. Even Rin would forget. He knew he would. He'd cry it off then go back to following his dreams.  
  Haru looked back out the window, taking a deep breathe as he could feel tears trying to sneak up on him. He couldn't cry in front of so many people. His hand fell on his thigh, fresh cuts he'd made earlier hidden under his clothes. It was the only spot that'd be hidden by his swimsuit. The only place Rin wouldn't see.  
  Rin nudged him out of his daze when they reached their destination. He followed Rin, feeling numb after letting his mind fall into its dark place. He followed Rin as they hiked, not really paying attention. The journey seemed so much faster judging he wasn't paying attention, before he knew it they were there.   
  Rin was making some sort of stupid joke, Haru could tell because he could hear him laughing as he spoke, though the words said seemed to escape him, blurring together in his head. If he could just get in the water he'd be okay.. He always felt better swimming.  
  "Hey you okay?" Rin asked after a few moments.  
  What had shaken Haru was that word. 'okay'. He didn't think he was okay. He hadn't been okay for awhile.  
  "We should swim." He responded.  
  Rin gave him a look, but quickly covered it with a smile. "Of course."   
  Of course they'd both worn their swimsuits under their clothes, making changing easy. Haru beat Rin to the water, diving in and disappearing under the surface. He wondered if he stayed down long enough he could maybe drown himself and not have to come back up. Though his body didn't allow that, demanding air as he resurfaced, gasping for oxygen. He was met with a surprise splash in the face followed by Rin laughing. Haru glared at him, before splashing him back.  
  It quickly escalated, turning into an all out splash fight before they actually started wrestling. Rin was winning but then again Haru wasn't trying his hardest. Though... surprisingly.. Haru found himself feeling a little okay for once. He was actually smiling, he was laughing, he was rolling in the mud getting dirty and he didn't care. He didn't have to worry about anything right now.  
  The match ended finally with Rin on top, both of them caked in dirt. They were both trying to catch their breathe and Rin was smiling like an idiot. Haru found he was smiling too, looking up at Rin and actually feeling... okay.  
  "Rin?"  
  "Yeah?"  
  "I... Would you forget me if I died?" wow, good going Haru. You had to ruin it.  
  Rin suddenly frowned, sitting back now. Haru took it as even more of a sign that he'd just ruined the happy moment as he sat up as well. "Haru... I care about you a lot. I'd never forgive myself if you died."  
  "why, it wouldn't be your fault." shut up. you don't want to talk about this. shut up shut up.  
  "Yes it would." Rin stated defiantly. "Because no matter what it was I could have stopped it."  
  "What about lethal illnesses?"  
  "I'd find a cure."  
  Haru stared at him, trying to make sure he wasn't bluffing. He pulled his knees to his chest, looking away. "Why do you care so much?"  
  Rin frowned, "well... because I do?"  
  Haru shook his head, "that's not a good answer."  
  Rin sighed, running a hand through his hair, "well... Haru I guess it's because..." He paused, tying to form the right words. "I love you."  
  Haru lifted his head to stare at him again, though this time with a shocked expression. "What do you mean?"  
  "I love you," He said slowly, sounding out the words like he was still a little unsure of what he'd just said himself.  
  Haru stared at him before his gaze fell away from Rin. That didn't make sense. "What does that mean?"  
  Rin gave a sideways frown, looking down. "It means what it means. I care a lot about you. I like you a lot. I like hanging out with you. I just like you in general." He looked back to him. "That's what love is isn't it? Liking someone?"  
  Haru didn't look at him, "I don't know... You make it sound so.." he wasn't sure what word he was looking for... easy? Simple? "I don't know," he trailed off.  
  Rin laughed, shifting closer to Haru so he could lean over to look at him, "Well you like hanging out with me right?" Haru nodded. "And you enjoy my company?" He nodded again. "Wouldn't you say you loved me?"  
  Haru didn't respond for a bit, but nodded finally. "Yeah."  
  "And you love those idiots back home too, right?"  
  "yeah." He knew he was referring to Makato, Nagisa and Rei, causing a small smile to form on his face.  
  Rin smiled at him, "See? it's not that hard, love is just love."  
  Haru lifted his head a bit, "but, there are different kinds."  
Rin seemed surprised by the statement, "well yeah, of course there is."  
  Haru looked at his face for any sign he was understanding where he was going with this. He sighed, glancing away to look at the lake "Nevermind."  
  Rin frowned, "You feeling alright..?"   
  Haru closed his eyes, "I'm fine."  
  "Are you sure?" Rin asked.  
  "Yes." Haru lied.  
  They sat in silence after that, watching as birds few past above them and clouds rolled by. The trees swayed ever so gently, dancing to the quiet song the birds sang as they twittered on and on. Eventually Rin got up, stating they were covered in mud and should wash it off.   
  It led to another splash war.  
  Haru started feeling better as they splashed eachother and laughing. He got Rin right in the face, unable to conceal his laughter. He choked on water that splashed into his mouth as Rin splashed him back much quicker than he'd expected. He coughed, spitting it out, "You jerk!" He snapped, though was smiling, not actually mad. He shoved him hard enough to knock him over. Rin yelped as he fell with a large splash, but quickly grabbed Harus arm and tugging him down with him.  
  Haru squeaked, falling ontop of Rin. Rin just started laughing and didn't push him off. "Look at that, I caught a fish!" Haru quickly tried to wiggle away but Rin grabbed him, pulling him back, "nope! I caught you, you're my trophy now."  
  Haru rolled his eyes, giving in. "You're a dork."  
  "Why thank you," Rin grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

They'd gone home after messing around for several hours. Then once home had just texted eachother the rest of the day. Rin made them go to bed of course, but Haru wouldn't argue. Today had been exhausting...but not in the way the days usually were.  
  Often he found himself enotionally exhausted by the end of the day, feeling numb. But this time he felt genuinely happy. He was... happy.  
  Haru felt a weird warmth in his chest, and he had a smile on his face that refused to leave. It felt nice. He paused, before picking up his phone. 'Hey Rin, you awake?'  
  'yeah? What's up?' It took him a moment but he responded.  
  'Remember when we talked about love?'  
  'Yeah?'  
  'I love you.'  
  'I love you too dummy, now go get some sleep.'  
  Haru smiled, turning off his phone and setting it aside. It felt nice to do that. Maybe he'd do it more. He closed his eyes and sighed contently. It was easy to fall asleep.  
\-----------  
  It had been a few weeks since Rin had taken Haru to the lake. They didn't have a lot of time to see eachother these weeks, with swimming competitions coming up and all. Though every night before bed they'd talk a bit. Sometimes even on an actual call. Haru liked it when they called eachother, it was nice to hear his voice. Though Rin had become so tired he had more recently now only been able to give a 'Goodnight' before they went to sleep.  
  Haru had told himself he didn't mind it, it was fine. But it was hard. Rin always helped him forget everything, but with a competition coming up he was stressing himself out. He could hardly focus but he wanted everyone to leave him alone. He wouldn't skip meeting at the pool, he knew they'd all notice if he did.  
 The cutting got worse though. Sometimes he'd sit and stare at the cuts and think about what Makato would do if he saw them. Or even what Rin would do. He sighed, sliding down into the water. Rin would yell, Makato would do worse he'd give him that silent stare.  
  He'd switched his suit so it covered his legs completely. Nobody questioned it after Haru explained that they were 'more comfortable'. In truth it was because his entire legs were covered now.  
  Haru resurfaced from the tub, staring at the cieling. He wondered if Rin would stop talking to him if he found out. Probably. Haru sighed, closing his eyes. Everything should just go away.  
   The competition came and went, Haru got the best times, like usual. They got a week off of meetings after the competition so they could rest. Haru was thankful for that, he didn't want to have to deal with them. He also got more time to see Rin with no meetings. His depression only continued to get worse though. Even talking to Rin didn't seem to help anymore. He still was happy to talk to him of course but he couldn't drag his mind out of the dark again. Rin had noticed and wanted him to tell him what was wrong. Haru refused and Rin didn't want to push too hard but his worry only continued to increase.  
  Haru actually avoided Rin one day, not waiting for him so they could walk home together like they usually did. Haru walked home in silence. Everything hurt again. His friends hadn't noticed this time. He guessed they thought it was 'normal' of him to ignore them at this point. He grimaced. He didn't want them to notice... that's what he kept telling himself anyways. As much as he wished that he wanted them to go away, deep down he wanted someone to notice just so they could help him.  
  As he went inside, his phone went off. He looked to see Rin was calling. His finger hovered over the answer button, but before he could decide wether or not he actually wanted to answer it stopped ringing. Rin started texting him instead, 'Haru? Are you alright?'  
  Haru frowned, turning off notifications before throwing his phone on his bed. He needed to take a shower, to clear his head. He turned the water on and stepped in, taking a deep breathe. He felt tears come to his eyes and he didn't bother pushing them away. He leaned against the wall, hanging his head and shaking as tears rolled down his face with the water. He picked up his razor, not even thinking about it anymore. The tears only got worse as before long his arms were covered with cuts just like his legs. He watched the blood drip down his arms from the deeper ones. He turned off the shower with a shaky hand, pulling on his pants and shirt clumsily.   
  He wanted everything to go away. He wanted it to all stop. He shakily picked up his phone, hardly able to type correctly. 'Rin. Please come over right now. I left the door unlocked.' He threw the phone down again. He heard it going off like mad, Rin probably panicking and trying to ask why. It stopped as Haru was walking out of his room. He could hardly stand stumbling and having to hold onto the wall. He didn't move for a moment, shaking so violently he was afraid to stand. He pushed himself off the wall and staggered into the kitchen.  
  He never was sure why he'd kept this, but now part of him was wishing he hadn't. At some point someone... a fisherman he thought... didn't need some rope anymore. The thick, strong kind. He was retiring and offered it to Haru and the others while they were at the beach. Haru didn't know why he'd kept it, Nagisa had insisted it would be a 'memory' or something like that.  
  But now that he had it...  
\-----------  
  Rin had left in a hurry, the others calling after him, asking what was happening, but he didn't respond. He ran to the bus stop, but hissed under his breathe and kept running. The bus would take too long. He didn't know what had happened, all he knew is Haru needed him. Maybe he was freaking out over nothing.   
  No. Haru never asked anyone anything like that. It was serious if he was asking for him to come.   
  He picked up speed, trying not to let his mind think of what it could be as he ran.  
\--------------  
  The door was slammed open, Haru was shaking, holding the rope, now tied into a noose, in front of him. He heard someone shouting, and felt them jerk him off the chair he was on. He could tell they were screaming at him, but he couldn't hear them over his own sobs. He couldn't see them through his own tears.  
  He was shaken, they were probably asking him what on earth he was thinking. He didn't know what he was thinking. Please go away.  
  "Haru?! Haru! Listen to me!"   
  Haru was shaken from his daze as he finally recognized the voice. Rin. He grabbed onto Rin and didn't let go. "R-Rin-" He choked out, "I-I'm sorry-"  
  "No, Haru-"  
  "Please d-dont be mad-"  
  "Haru, I'm not."  
  "I'm so-sorry-"   
  Rin sighed, hugging him close, "Calm down, I'm not mad." He said gently, "I just wish you'd told me about... this."  
Haru shook his head, burying his face in Rin's shoulder. He couldn't tell him... He would worry and yell at him and...  
  One of Rin's hands took Harus arm, lifting it, "Haru did you do this to yourself?"   
  Haru nodded, shutting his eyes tightly, prepared for Rin to get mad.  
  He didn't. "You should have talked to me sooner Haru..." He said softly. "Here, stand up."  
  Haru hadn't even realized they'd ended up on the ground. Rin must have fallen when he pulled him down. He stood obediently, refusing to let go of Rin though. He was still shaking badly, afraid if he let go he'd fall. Rin led him to his room and sat him down. He had to pry his arms off so he could leave for a moment. He came back with a rag, "let me see your arms." Haru lifted them for him, watching him as he cleaned off the blood from his arms, careful to not hurt him.   
  "Rin... I-I.."  
  "No, don't say anything." Rin interrupted. He placed the rag to the side, before turning back to Haru, "Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?"  
  Haru shakily nodded. He hiccuped on another sob, shakily rolling up his pants legs, revealing the marks covering them. He jumped at Rin's touch, examining the cuts. "How long have you been doing this?"  
  Haru opened his mouth to respond, but closed it when he couldn't force a sound from himself. He looked away in shame. Rin sighed but didn't pressure him, standing up and instructing him to lay down and get comfortable. Haru obeyed, laying back and watching as Rin took the rag out, most likely to go wash it.  
  Haru stared at the wall, trying to focus on breathing, but he couldn't calm down. Rin knew now. Rin KNEW. He looked up as Rin came back in, he sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at Haru.   
  They didn't say anything for a bit, but Harus hand grabbed Rins, as a silent 'don't leave'. Rin was looking at him with concern, worry... and some other emotion Haru couldn't place a finger on. "Haru... I'm glad you told me to come over. If you hadn't..."  
  "I would have chickened out," Haru mumbled, leaning his face into his pillow and looking down from Rin's concerned expression.  
  "You don't know that. You might have chickened out when it was already too late." Rin said. He sighed, "Well... Haru I have to go ba-" He began to stand though Haru shot up quicker than he thought possible to grab onto him.   
  "No." Haru said, holding onto him tightly. Rin could feel him shaking, "I... Im scared I'll try again if you leave..."  
  Rin paused for a moment, before sighing, "Alright... Alright, lay back down I'm not going anywhere." Rin laid down with him this time, not forcing him to let go. He pulled out his phone to text Momo and Ai... he wasn't coming back to the dorms that night.


	5. Chapter 5

Rin had stayed up late just to make sure Haru had fallen asleep peacefully. He woke up before him as well, at least he thought. He shifted to sit up, but as he sat up he felt Harus arms tighten around him. "Don't go..."  
  "I wasnt," Rin said gently, petting Harus head. "Good morning."  
  Haru didn't say anything, just keeping his face nestled into Rin's leg, his arms still around him to keep him from leaving. Rin sighed, sitting back against the head of the bed as he looked down at Haru. He was immensely worried but he didn't know what he could do for him. He was no therapist, he didn't know how to help him. Other than call an actual therapist but Haru wouldn't want to see one. They could hardly get him to form a swim team, getting him to see a therapist would be a whole different story.  
  Haru mumbled, "I don't want to die..."  
  "No one does." Rin murmured.  
  "B-But... everything hurts." His voice shook as he said it. "I want it to go away Rin... Why won't it go away..."  
  Rin shifted, gently pulling Haru up so he could look at him. He brushed his hair out of his face, revealing those distressed blue eyes. "Haru. I'm sorry, I don't know what I can do for you."  
  Haru glanced away, "I'm sorry... I... I shouldn't be bothering you with this..."  
  "No, don't say that." Rin said gently, turning his head back to face him. "I want to help but you haveto work with me. I can't do much if your unwilling."  
  Haru nodded slowly, "R-Right."  
  Rin smiled softly at him, "Alright... I know what we can do, but we don't have to go anywhere yet. We can go later."  
  "What is it...?"  
  "You'll see," Rin said.  
  Haru didn't say anything, just looking at Rin, before sighing, resting his head on his shoulder. "Thank you..."  
  "I told you I'd do anything remember?" Rin hooked his arms around him, hugging him close again.  
  Haru nodded, just holding onto Rin and letting his emotions try to sort themselves out.   
  "Your precious," Rin murmured after a moment.  
  Harus face lit up like a candle, "I'm not."  
  "You really are." Rin chuckled, leaning back. "We should clean up a bit and maybe eat alright?"  
  Haru nodded, removing himself from Rin so they could actually stand. Haru followed Rin out and saw he had gotten rid of any evidence of what had happened last night. He'd really cleaned up in here..  
  Haru ended up going upstairs to take a shower, though Rin had told him he didn't want to find any more cuts on him when he came back down. Haru just nodded and disappeared up the stairs.  
  Rin watched him go before pulling out his phone. After a bit of searching he found a good number and called it. As soon as a lady on the other end answered he said, "Hello, I'm calling for a friend."  
\------------  
  When Haru came down he saw Rin ending a phone call. He thought about asking but didnt. Rin just smiled at him and told him to go get dressed because they were going somewhere. Haru didn't question him, disappearing into his room to get properly dressed.  
  He hissed under his breathe as he realized how many short sleeved shirts he had. He managed to dig out something with long sleeves, as well as long pants to cover his arms and legs. After getting dressed he came back out. He jumped as Rin tossed a granola bar at him, "Eat, we're heading out soon."  
  Haru stared at it, "Where?"  
  He sighed, pulling out one of the chairs at the table to sit down. Haru slowly did the same, sliding into a chair, looking at Rin nervously. Rin laced his fingers together under his chin, examining Harus face before he said, "I'm taking you to a therapist."  
  Haru stiffened, "You what."  
  "I found one who's nearby and called her. She's not busy today so she said to come in as soon as we'd like." Rins brows knit together in concern. "I know that-"  
  "I don't need to see a therapist."  
  "yeah I knew you'd say that." Rin sighed, looking away. "Haru please... If you don't like it after a few weeks you can stop but PLEASE at least try it?"  
  Haru stared hard at him, before he looked down at the table. "Fine."  
 Rin was relieved, standing up with a large grin. "Great! Let's go then~!"  
  Haru stared hard at him, but then silently stood up as well. He followed Rin, assuming he knew where he was going. His emotions felt weird and Rin wasn't helping them. If anything he made it worse. His heart was twisted in a knot and he didn't know what to do about it.He sighed, looking down. Everything was confusing. He jumped as he ran into Rin's back, not realizing he'd stopped. Rin glanced over his shoulder and grinned, "Haru, slow down there, don't want you to run me over."  
  Haru just rolled his eyes at him, and turned away, glaring at the sidewalk. Everything should just stop being confusing and then he'd be okay.  
\--------  
  Haru was regretting agreeing to this more and more the closer they got there. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He was fine. He didn't voice any of this to Rin, keeping silent for his sake. Rin seemed to be legitimately happy about him agreeing to see this therapist.  
  Rin was smiling and talking about the ways he hoped seeing her would help. He had that same shine of hope in his eyes that Haru had seen multiple times before.   
  The same hope Haru remembered tearing away from him...   
  Haru sighed, looking down at the ground as they walked. He couldn't forgive himself for that time, even though it was so long ago. It had been years ago, Rin challenged him to a race. When he beat Rin at that race Rin had been crushed. Rin had studied abroad, he'd gone to Australia and trained to swim better. But when he came back he still couldn't beat Haru. It had affected him for years, and seeing how he'd crushed Rin had also crushed Haru.  
  That was when he'd quit swimming. He couldn't swim knowing he'd hurt Rin like that. Not to mention when they did see eachother years after that race Haru could tell how much it still affected Rin... Rin had turned mean, he didn't greet anyone with a smile. He hardly even spoke to anyone, not even his own sister. It didn't take long to realize he was dug into a pit of depression.  
  Haru looked up at Rin again, and how he was smiling. He was joking, laughing, talking... It was quite the transformation and Haru couldn't be happier for it. Though he realized now he was the depressed one, how ironic. He laughed under his breathe, shaking his head at himself.  
  Rin glanced at him, "What's so funny?"  
  "Nothing," Haru said, though was smiling when he looked up.   
  Rin saw the smile and didn't push because a smile was good enough for him. He smiled in return, "Alright. We're almost there. It should be right up here."  
  It was indeed right around the corner, and Haru felt a sinking feeling as they walked in. Rin talked to the lady at the desk, and before he knew it a woman was walking out from a back room, "Nanase Haruka?"  
  Haru glanced at Rin, in a silent 'please come with me', as he stood. He was relieved when Rin followed him. The woman led them back into her room, which was almost just like a small living room. There was a couch for them to sit on and a chair for her.  
  "So, I'm guessing your Nanase?" She pointed the end of her pen at Haru. Haru nodded stiffly. "Ah then your Matsuoka," She looked at Rin.  
  "You can call me Rin if you'd like." He smiled.   
  She smiled softly in return, "Alright, would you rather I call you Haruka?"  
  Haru shrugged, glancing away. Rin spoke up for him instead, "He prefers Haru."  
  She wrote it down on her clipboard, "Alright then, Haru it is." She looked up at them again, smiling, "So, I wasnt told much about you Haru, would you like to tell me some things about yourself?"  
  Haru stared at her but said nothing. Rin nudged him, and he finally spoke up, though his voice remained quiet and dull. "I'm on a swim team."  
  "oh really? Do you compete?"  
  He nodded.  
  "That sounds like it must be fun, do you like your team mates?"  
  He paused, before answering "I love them." He shot a glare at Rin as he heard him laugh softly.  
  She just smiled and scratched something down on her clipboard. "That's good. So, how has swimming been recently?"  
  He didn't know how to answer that. Hard? Weird? He didn't know.  
  "Haru? Are you alright?"  
  He finally shrugged in response, looking down again. He heard the scratch of her pen as she directed a question at Rin. "Do you swim with him?"  
  "We go to different schools, so no. But we've raced against eachother plenty of times." Rin answered.  
  "Ah I see, where do you go?"  "I go to Samezuka and Haru goes to Iwatobi."  
  More scratching of her pen. "Oh I've heard they have lots of clubs at both those schools."   
  "I don't know about Iwatobi but we sure do at Samezuka." Rin chuckled.  
  Harus brows knit together as he stared at the carpet. Weren't they here to talk about him? What on earth were they doing sitting and talking about clubs? He moved his hands to his lap, picking at one of his nails as he let his mind drift off. This wasn't going to help him. He knew he was going to quit coming after a week, even if it disappointed Rin. This just wasn't going to work.  
  He felt Rin nudge him and he looked up, "huh..?" He realized a question had been directed at him but he had been zoned out.  
  The therapist merely smiled and re-stated her question, "Would you mind if I sent Rin out so I could talk to you alone?"  
  Haru stiffened slightly and quickly shook his head, his hand automatically finding Rins arm to hold onto.  
  She just nodded, "Alright, I won't make him leave if you don't want him to."  
  The rest of the time was spent talking about Harus depression. She offered a few ideas on how to help, though said she didn't know what would be best for him judging she'd just met him. she then asked to talk to only Rin before they left. As they left Haru was unable to get Rin to tell him what she said. Haru just shot him a suspicious glare and left it at that.  
  Rin of course took him all the way home, like usual. He said he really needed to go back to the dorms judging he'd been away for 2 days now. He made sure Haru would be alright before he left. As soon as he was gone, the house became empty and silent once again...


End file.
